I am a Worker Seeking an Employer: eHarmony and the Job Search Industry

Ed Frauenheim is on assignment.

Online dating company eHarmony recently announced plans to get into the job search game. The company hopes to be successful by using methods similar to how it pairs compatible customers for serious romantic relationships.

Here’s what the Washington Post wrote about the subject: “At a time when many Americans are still struggling to find work, eHarmony is gambling that it can win users over with an approach that prioritizes the kind of personal, emotional qualities that are difficult to discern from a résumé or a LinkedIn profile.”

The new service isn’t set to launch until the second half of 2014. And most of the big questions about how it will work apparently remain unanswered.

So, considering all the question marks surrounding the proposed job search service, we decided to have a little fun with how job seekers will go about actually submitting applications.

Here’s some goofy stuff I came up with:

• Entry-level millennial with eight months of administrative experience requires mid-level executive position at a totally hip software company operating in a 100 percent environmentally friendly, sustainable building. Company must offer free meals, nap time and three-day weekends.
• Frustrated human resources officer looking for a fresh start and the chance to have a long, fruitful and happy career at any company where the workforce is comprised of mostly robots. Is willing to work with androids too. 10-human maximum. Maybe.
• Chronically unemployed human simply yearning for the chance to remember what it’s like to truly connect with an employer again. Pleasantly proficient in Microsoft Office, enjoys working long hours and having intimate conversations about ROI.
• Annoyed IT assistant seeks position at a company where no technical problems ever occur and all future co-workers are entirely tech-savvy—preferably as much as I am. Future employer must allow access to Netflix instant streaming in the office. Other hobbies include: the Internet.
• Former CEO looking to serenade new, young employees with motivational ballads at any West Coast startup. A real wiz with corporate culture improvement and increasing employee engagement. Other hobbies include: yoga, looking at pictures of cats and turning down billions of dollars in buyout offers.
• Fed-up Gen X midlevel manager sick of being taken for granted by unattached employer and tired of playing second fiddle to an older boss unwilling to retire. Looking for a new company that can give me the opportunity I deserve to grow. Still young, fun and full of life. Not afraid to be adventurous or try new things.

All levity aside, the idea that an impressive résumé doesn’t necessarily translate into a successful employee is what intrigues me most about this future eHarmony career service. I mean, regardless of how it’s fared since its IPO, Groupon was started by a guy with a music major. So who knows, maybe eHarmony will revolutionize the way companies hire. Maybe the service will flop and they’ll decide to just stick with the dating scene. I guess we’ll just have to wait a few years to see.

Max Mihelich is Workforce’s editorial intern. Comment below or email editors@workforce.com. Follow Mihelich on Twitter at @workforcemax.